Why Is My Brain Broken?

Following the last few bad days, I’ve just had a big crying session with my fiancé. Getting it all out whilst the kids are not around.

Friday my brain had another, shall we say “brain malfunction”. Where after walking with my crutches up a slight incline, once inside I threw myself (with coat and crutches still stuck on my arms) onto the bed. Where I lay stock still for a good hour, with no energy or movement. I couldn’t move my legs or my arms, and my face didn’t move much either. My fiancé removed the crutches from my arms, and lifted my legs up onto the bed.

I lay there, partly aware of what was going on around me, partly in a sleepy daze. I just had nothing left at all, zero energy.

I didn’t actually have a seizure, but my head was turning to the side jerking and spasming.

It’s as if my brain tells my body off for trying, for doing too much, for pushing itself. What else am I suppose to do? I cannot stay in the house forever, trapped in a small space so I don’t move too much.

This following my brain shut down on Thursday, where I ended up in a wheelchair. Its all getting beyond me, and out of control. I am becoming distraught.

Then Saturday in the car, the music when it was loud was effecting my head and making it spasm and jerk too! Why? What’s making it do it?

No one seems to be helping me! Yes I am seen by doctors, and consultants. But where is the one who is helping me with aids to get around, with crutches that don’t hurt my hands so much I cry. With things to help me in the house, railings to hold onto or a bath seat? To do everyday things that I seem to have trouble now doing.

The longer I use my arms, hands or legs, my head kicks off jerking and spasming out of control. I feel sick and dizzy, I can’t stand up. I have to lay down and have rests, or then the times when I have seizures.

I have small seizures that I can cope with, but also big ones where when it happened two weeks ago this coming Tuesday I became paralysed for 3 hours or more. When I was unaware I had even had the seizure, because I’m half out of it! What if I had been sick, and choked on my own vomit? What if I had it whilst trying to get up or down the stairs, what if I fell and hurt myself, knocked myself out and cannot tell anyone?

I’m having another bad day, and this time all because I tried to hang out the washing. I had 2 breaks in between, but then my head started jerking so bad I was nearly sick and my shoulder was spasming. I had to give in and my fiancé took over, its hard for him too.

Where does this leave me?
Where do I get additional help?
My fiancé wants us to get a second opinion, as I have so much going on that we don’t think it can be labelled as one movement disorder.

My head jerking and spasming doesn’t seem to fit. Why does that happen? What is going on in my brain, that makes my head go wrong? Why is my brain broken?

Its a bad day! One of many…..more to come I’m sure. :(

I just want someone to help me.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Posted on June 10, 2012, in Blog, Health, Photo and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Thanks ladies for your kind words, every day is such a struggle and continually getting worse. My mobility is becoming practically zero on some days now. Such as today, I still have little movement. It is hard and I cry every day.
    Thank you again for caring xx

  2. I am sorry to hear about what your going through. It sounds so awful and I hope you get some answers soon.

    I couldn’t imagine going through something like that and not having answers or a diagnosis.

    I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all ok for you.
    Sure that’s how you feel right now to :(

    Will pop by to see how things go , and as hopefully things improve for you.
    Warm thoughts

  3. Sorry to hear you are getting more symptoms. I hope everyday that I wake up it will all be gone. That I will jump out of bed and go about my day. A day without pills, needing to rest, zinging in my body and uncertainty. A life without pretending to feel fine, or questioning if I do this or that will I be stuck in bed for days recovering. Someday we’ll figure all this out.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 99 other followers

%d bloggers like this: